Some psychologists categorize people searching for love in two extremes: those who compromise easily and those who never do. The former tend to stop looking for a partner the minute they meet someone who has some of the attributes they are looking for, even if they lack many others, and the latter are never satisfied with anything and are constantly on the lookout for the perfect partner. Neither of them are happy.

Why The Search For A Perfect Partner Is A Sure Way To Disappointment

If you belong in the second category, your choice may say a lot about you. First of all, people who are always struggling for more are, more often than not, people who pay a lot of attention to what others have to say about them. Sometimes, this search for perfection may be, unbeknownst to you, a situation you are pressured to be in due to how much you care about what others think about you.

Men who are looking for ‘trophy wives’ are usually just seeking the attention and admiration of others. So, despite the fact that you may think that looking for a perfect partner shows you are confident, it may well be that the opposite is true. In reality, a person who’s confident doesn’t care how people judge his choice of partner, as they are sure of themselves and their choices.

How Is The Pursuit Of A Perfect Partner Making You Unhappy?

There is one little detail that eludes those looking for a perfect partner, and it’s also the main reason why they will always be unhappy: there is no such thing as a perfect partner. No one is perfect. So, in reality, when you are looking for a perfect human being, you are a delusional person searching for a utopia.

People who are after a perfect woman but, naturally, can’t find her, will keep going from relationship to relationship and from disappointment to disappointment. Their tolerance levels are low and even the smallest thing is turned into a big deal in their mind and they are unwilling to give their partner a second chance, thus missing out on relationships that might have worked if they believed in them a little more.

Because they always think what they have is not enough, they tend to have a wandering eye, so they have trouble committing to any one person since they are already looking for their next, better alternative.

Finally, these people’s hesitation to commit to one person due to their FOMO (fear of missing out) issues and their strategic choice to be with one foot out the door in any relationship intensifies the feeling of instability and insecurity in their lives, as we are far happier when we have made final decisions that we can start working and building on.

There is, however, a middle path. Not looking for a perfect partner does not mean having low standards. On the contrary, any self-respecting man won’t settle for someone they don’t feel strong love and admiration for. But having high standards is one thing, and having unrealistic ones is another.

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Us, average Joes, imagine that super smart people handle all aspects of their lives, from their work conditions to their very personal relationships, with the same prowess and ease that they can solve mathematical problems or find the cure for previously lethal diseases. But is this really the case?

Study Looks Into The Relationship Attitude Of Super Smart People

A team led by Dutch psychologist Pieternel Dijkstra and some of her colleagues set about finding the way highly intellectual people handle their personal relationships, by conducting a very interesting study.

To make sure their participants would indeed be super smart people, they reached out to members of the Dutch Mensa Society. The used 196 heterosexual adults and then compared their answers to that of a group of 146 adults of regular intelligence.

Both groups filled in a series of questionnaires assessing their attachment style, their conflict resolution style, and the quality and satisfaction derived from their relationships.

The Findings

As concerns the basic question of who’s happier in their relationships, the findings showed very similar results in perceived relationship quality. Thus, being a super smart individual neither condemns you to have poor relationships or does it guarantee you’ll be in happy ones.

But, when it came to style of conflict resolution, the Mensa group was far more unwilling to argue with their partners. They preferred to avoid conflicts instead of looking to solve their issues through discussion or other means.

How did Dijkstra and her team explain this behavior? A good explanation may be that when it comes to intelligence, clever people are very likely to attract and be attracted by similarly smart individuals. According to the similarity theory of relationships, people who are very similar to their partners in terms of character and IQ usually have more “shared emotional experiences” accompanied by fewer disagreements (p. 275). What is more, the Mensa types of people who pair up with like-minded partners will most likely see disagreements as a lower-level activity and decide not to engage in it anyway.

Some Consolation For the Average-Brained

But if there is one thing to make us, the people of average IQs, feel good about ourselves is that the intellectually gifted seem to suffer when it comes to attachment. The people in the Mensa sample scored higher on insecure attachment, mostly expressing fear of being abandoned by their partners.

The scientific team of experts believes this could be explained by the fact that “gifted individuals may feel threatened more easily and experience fear in situations that involve emotional intimacy”.

So, even though super smart people are less confrontational and may have a quieter time in their relationships, they, too, are plagued by their own insecurities and fears.

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Some might say that being a gentleman or acting gentlemanly are things of the past, but few things are more misguided than thinking that. It’s not only the positive impact it has on the ladies, being a gentleman is a way of life – not a forced attitude – that will significantly improve your life too.

Simple Ways To Be A Gentleman Every Day

The best thing about being a gentleman is that it is not hard to achieve or too complicated. In reality, it’s the simplest, most subtle, things that matter when it comes to your everyday conduct and interaction with others. Here are some basic rules with which to begin.

Be polite. Whether it is with people you know, like friends and family, or complete strangers, like waiters and shop assistants, being polite is an absolute must. Saying your ‘pleases’ and ‘thank yous’ and not forgetting to say ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ is rule #1 for any self-respecting person – man or woman – really.

Don’t bring negative energy. Everyone has problems these days, from financial troubles to a bad situation at home or in the office. Whining about your issues all the time and making everyone feel awkward won’t solve anything. All it will do is to bring people around you down and subconsciously either make them hang out because they pity you or avoid you because they can’t stand the extra load you bring to their already burdened lives.

No politics or religion. Two of the most sensitive and potentially offensive issues of all time are politics and religion. Most of us may have our strong opinions on one or both of them, but voicing them in front of a bunch of people we barely know, or in conversations with people who are less interested in them or completely disagree with our views, is just wrong. Not talking about politics and religion is not a sign of not caring, it is the exact opposite.

Put the mobile phone away. With so many things in our lives done through our mobile phones, it is easy to get carried away and use ours in the company of others. However, it is inexcusable to do so, unless it’s a matter of real emergency. Put yourself in the place of the person talking to you. They are trying to tell you something while you’re staring at your mobile phone screen or typing something. Such behavior is impolite and disrespectful, so next time you’re with company, keep your mobile in your pocket.

Don’t forget your manners online. We’ve already talked about being polite in the company of others, but it is equally important to remember your manners online. Even though you may not be looking in the eyes of the person you’re communicating with, they still have feelings and deserve your respect. Don’t offend, make fun of, lie, or blatantly avoid a person just because you can’t see their face.

Respect people’s space. Not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Don’t push people to talk more than they are comfortable talking, do things they don’t feel like doing or be things they are not ready to be. Knowing how to actively improve others without being pushy or assuming you know what’s good for them is a gift that gentlemen have naturally (or work towards having).

Take care of your appearance. Dressing according to the occasion (no sweatpants on a dinner date, for instance), keeping yourself clean and well-groomed are essential parts of a gentleman’s appearance and way of life. When you take care of yourself, it means that you love yourself and respect your date or company enough to show your best.

Ladies first. A big misconception that comes with female emancipation is that doing certain things for women is outdated.  On the contrary, opening the door for a lady, pushing her chair in at a restaurant or holding her coat for her to wear are all habits any man should have. The two genders may be equal, but it’s nice to keep some roles separate too.

The basic rules of how to be a gentleman are really simple, and the most important thing is to get the basic idea of what it means to be one. Once you do, it will all come to you naturally.

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